How to deal with it

The last four posts were meant to help me to deal with my past, particularly with those men, who taught me some important lessons.

What I just said doesn't necessarily have to be understood as a complaint or negative thing. All of us make mistakes. I am aware of it. What really matters is... what is it that you take from it? Every single mistake in your life happens for the reason of a failure (either on your side or someone else's), which is rather unintended in most of the cases, I believe.

It seems that people in general tend to fight whatever comes out from a difficult situation rather than to learn from it. They choose the easier way; seldom do they really understand the roots of the problem or try to dedicate the time to understand.

I decided to take my time and invest it into uncovering of the truth. Or at least something that seems true after looking much closer than ever before.

I was 17 and my boyfriend Jan was the same age, when we broke up. Jan had a problem. He thought he can solve all his problems with his fists. He would come home late in the morning all beaten up and his mother would be more and more concerned about his life. When we met, Jan was a guy I liked to talk to about every day things, he made me laugh and feel like someone is finally able to understand my teenage soul. Well, sooner rather than later he tried to solve one of our arguments by hitting me. Who would have guessed her/his own reaction in such case without a previous experience? I decided that this will never happen to me again. I left him without a word. Even a year later after we broke up I was receiving threats from him. How can someone tell to another person that he would love to kill her/him? We never spoke again.

I was 18 and my boyfriend Milan was 25, when we broke up. Milan had a problem. He couldn't stand that I wanted to keep my virginity until I was sure that I really love him. I thought I was the only one for him, but after a while it turned out that he already had "an official" girlfriend and was sleeping with yet another woman. I knew I didn't deserve to be fooled like that by him. I haven't seen him for several years and don't really miss him.

I was 19 and Sadiq was 28, when we stopped talking. We weren't a couple in fact, but his influence on my life was immense and in many ways he was more than a boyfriend to me. I shared my deepest thoughts with him. Sadiq had a problem. He couldn't accept a woman as an equal person (both because of his religion and because of personal reasons). Every time I tried to explain my reasons and opinions, he would start explaining that I know nothing about life and that in fact he doesn't have to listen to me, because I'm just a woman. Yes, his own words. In the beginning of our friendship I was in love with him, admiring his approach to life, but the more I started to get under the cover, the more I wanted to have my say and show him that tolerance is important for life. He was pushing me away from him and when I was already over him, he started contacting me with his confessions of love for me. I knew it had no future. I refused to contact him ever again and after a while his e-mail went silent, too.

I was 25 and Jason was 34, when we broke up. Jason had a problem. He wasn't able to open up to me and to accept me the way I was. I spent 4 years in a relationship with this man. I still don't know what the relationship was all about. He never found the words to tell what happened. Being able to look at things from a different perspective now, I know that from all the guys I was with, he was the one I learned from the most and the only one I really loved. I don't feel any bitterness, I don't feel sad that it's over. I know it had to be. He found the strength to end it and I will always be thankful for this. Will I ever forgive him those years which turned out to be something else than I thought? I don't know. Now it seems unimportant. And I would like to remember only the good things from this relationship.

My name is Andrea and I'm 27. I have many problems. I'm afraid of life and at the same time yearn for new adventures. I'm very careful with people lately, my trust is something I don't give easily. As a matter of fact it becomes worse and worse with age. I don't like being limited by anything, which isn't always fair to other people. I need respect, but don't always respect others. I'm aware of it and I've been working on this really hard lately. I don't easily admit my faults and mistakes. But also this is something I'm trying to change. I tend to be very intense in many ways, which of course leads to being irritating. I hope everyone will forgive me this. I try my best to use this (many times unnecessary and unwanted) "passion" in a positive way - my personal art therapy, for example.

Jan, Milan, Sadiq and Jason. Four men, four teachers.

Jan, thank you for showing me that I have a value as a person and that I don't have to let anyone attack me physically. I know that what you did wasn't my fault.

Milan, thank you for showing me that I have power over my own body and that I don't have to sleep with the guy if I don't want to do so.

Sadiq, thank you for showing me that my opinion is something I don't have to be ashamed of and that I deserve to be heard, no matter what some people might think.

Jason, thank you for showing me that men are not always honest and that I don't have to always believe in everything I hear.

Love is an independent living substance rather than something I could win by begging and pushing. I won back my dignity. I'm happy now.

Physical nonsense (dedicated to Jan)

Hit me, hit me harder,
it doesn't hurt
until your arm aches...

Because you think...

Do I want this?
Do you need it?
Feel the power,
power over me...

Hit me, get me down,
it doesn't hurt
until you're satisfied with it...

Now I'm crawling in front of you...

Do I ask for it?
Do you enjoy it?
Hear me cry,
cry for my own pity...

Wake up! Will I wake up?
And if so, what will remain of me?

I have to do it...

Hit me, for the last time,
it won't hurt me
if I stop you...

Why would I let you do this...

I'm glad I have gathered
all the strength to be without you.

Burning the memory (dedicated to Milan)

How will I remember him?
Living for himself only,
not knowing what love is.
Understanding? Very slowly.

What kind of man this is?

How could I need him?
The simple things life brings
are boring, too boring for him.
Excitement in the circus,
and what about my tears?

Did they burn him?

How should I call him?
A man without dignity,
a man without honor,
the Master of lies,
just a fearful coward.